I should really be happy and all excited now. Christmas! Whoo!. I just can't feel i anymore. Haha. I used to become so excited whenever this period of the year comes. But lately, i have just become so emotion-less. I guess the only things that i can feel these day are envy and anger. Hahaha. (laugh all you want but you ain't perfect too.)
When it was this time last year, or any year before, i was still happy-go-lucky. Now no more. My mind often force me to think about strange and complex things before it finally allows me to go to bed and orh orh. Things like my future, the afterlife, etc. Hmm. I am really not sure if this is merely just due to the odd sleeping hours, or i am really become a philosopher. Hahaha. I am really doubting it's the second though.
DISCLAIMER: THIS POST IS GOING TO BE DAMNNN BORING AND LENGTHY.
THINGS I THINK ABOUT BEFORE I GO TO SLEEP AT NIGHT NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO BUT BECAUSE I HAVE TO #1:
Life and how it is unfair.
You know, when you were young, everything would somehow just work out for you? From you shitting in your pampers to spoiling something, someone somehow would just fix it for you. Well honey, not anymore. For me at least. Isn't it strange? As you grow older, more things are expected of you, as compared to when you were younger. But, as you grow older, lesser help is coming your way. Why is this so? I know, being independent and all that, but, if that is so, why does the CEO do so little as compared to the average worker?
No, i am not tired of living in this world. No, i am not someone who wants to start a revolution. All i am doing here is asking life (or anybody who is at the same level of authority as life) : Why are you so unfair? People work like hell but they do not get what they deserve. Whereas, there are some people who put minimum effort but get bountiful rewards.
It is just like an ox and a farmer. The ox would plough the field for 16 hours a day, and it only gets fed with leftovers and wheat. Whereas, the farmer, who would just sit behind the ox, gets fed with rice, meat, etc. I do realise the fact that the farmer is the one who planted the seed. But, the main point here is, does the ox gets what he deserves? Well in this case, the ox is the average office worker while the farmer is the CEO. Even though the CEO started the company(planting the rice), it is actually the ox which enables the company to grow. So... Just think about it. Do leaders actually deserve what they are getting paid?
THINGS I THINK ABOUT BEFORE I GO TO SLEEP AT NIGHT NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO BUT BECAUSE I HAVE TO #2:
What happens when my parents pass on.
Hmm. I am not sure about you, but thinking about my relatives passing on is always frequent to me. To be honest, i don't really bother if my other relatives die(I am not close to them, but i will still attend their funeral out of respect), but if my parents or brother passes on, may i be damned.
My mum would always ask me, what would happen if she was gone. Well that question only pops up when i ask her to do me a favour. To be honest again, i don't know. I do not know if i would be crying or just shocked. I believe that we all would like our parents to stay with us forever(Unless you have abusive parents). But the sad sad truth is that they can't, even if they like to. Frankly, without my mother, my life would totally change.
Well, in fact, i had a similar experience twice. My parents went overseas together and me and my brother were left alone in charge for 6-7 days. Well, the first few days were awesome; sleeping late, ordering deliveries. But, after a while,(even though i don't admit it) i would sense that something is wrong. Like, something is out of place. It is like when you see a bottle cap not screwed on fully. You would think about it everytime you see something that reminds you of the loose cap. You would feel unrest until someone screws it tight. I would not describe this feeling as 'miss', but rather, 'amiss'.
I know, we all have our own incidents with our parents. But in the end, i still believe that family relationships would cover these incidents up. Thus, i find it easier to forgive my family than to forgive my friend.
The main point of this chapter is that, if my parents are gone forever, i would be screwed. Of course, i would still be able to live on, continue with my life. But that would take time for me. The first few months of losing them would be hell. I believe that everything in my life would fall apart. After that, i would be able to piece the parts back together. But it would not be the same without them.
DISCLAIMER: I AM MERELY WRITING OUT MY THOUGHTS. THIS PART MAY OFFEND SOME PEOPLE. IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED, PLEASE SKIP TO THE ENDING NOW.
THINGS I THINK ABOUT BEFORE I GO TO SLEEP AT NIGHT NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO BUT BECAUSE I HAVE TO #3:
The afterlife.
This is the one that keeps me up the longest. The afterlife. Is there an afterlife? Will i be reincarnated? Will i live in heaven forever like what the bible says? Well, if you were hoping to get answers to these questions from me, dream on. So many different religions, so many different teachings. Some teaches that people would be reincarnated into different things after they die, depending on what they did in their previous life. My question to this is; If one person dies and he/she reincarnates into another person, why is the world's population going up?
Well, since i am a Christian, my belief is that when i die, i would be in heaven forever and ever. This point has served as both a comforting and puzzling idea for me. Comforting, in a way that i would be in heaven, and not, in hell.(Which is eternal burning, etc.) Puzzling, because, of the word forever.
Dictionary.com explains forever as: without ever ending; eternally: to last forever.
The bible says that in heaven, there would be never ending joy, just happiness. No sorrow, discomfort, jealousy, etc.
But...Forever. That is a long time. I have read one saying before. "What is forever? Forever is when you send a bird, ask it to pick up a speck of dirt from earth, and fly to the moon to drop it off. When the bird is finally done, ask it to repeat for 10 more times. Then, that is just the beginning of forever,"
I would really love a restart button in life. So maybe that is why i would enjoy begin reincarnated. Although, i would still like to have some memories from my past life, so that i will not make the mistakes that i have made.
Still, this is my religion and i would believe in it with everything that i got. If God says no reincarnation, then, no reincarnation then. :)
Finally, the conclusion.
The point of this post is just to serve as a reminder for me, in the future. When i look back onto this blog, i would be able to see what i was thinking about during this period of my life. Also, this post is for all those people who think too much.(like me, for example) Hopefully you can find some answers to your deep questions.
Tatadaah. The end.
PEACE,
Jerome Leong.
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